The Fine Art of Saying ‘No’: The Secret Power of Setting Boundaries

"The difference between successful people and really successful people

is that really successful people say no to almost everything."

Warren Buffett, business titan

In business, we're often urged to think big, to be maximalists, and to say "yes." Combining a promise of boundless energy and a can-do spirit inspires teams and wins business. Yes is for winners, and no is for losers, right? Wrong.

Warren Buffett is quite keen on saying no. For him, those two letters are about controlling time itself because he has also said, "You've gotta keep control of your time, and you can't unless you say no. You can't let people set your agenda in life."

But saying no to people who want you to say yes takes work. It takes emotional intelligence, courage, and a willingness to risk missing out, not to mention the lurking fear that one day you could be that guy who turned down The Beatles.

The 'no' experiment

In 2021, four female professors around the world decided to carry out an experiment. In the space of a year, they agreed to collectively turn down 100 work-related requests and see what happened. In 2022, they published their findings in the science journal, "Nature." They'd managed to hit their target. They'd said “no” 100 times to reviewing journal articles, writing grant proposals, speaking engagements, and running more things at work and used a set of rules to decide which ones got the thumbs down. These include: Does this fit with my work? Does it spark joy? Can I do it without messing up existing commitments? They felt pangs of guilt and worries that they were letting colleagues down, but they kept their jobs, and worries that they were missing out were unfounded.

The experiment was so successful that this year, they decided to rerun it, but this time, they increased the target to 100 no's each. Since the 2021 experiment, their working lives have been full of endeavors that fit with their calling, spark joy, and do not mess up existing commitments. I'm sure Warren Buffet would thoroughly approve. So, how do you use the two letters without making enemies?

Remember that in saying “no” to a work-related task, you are rejecting the task, not the person, and you are only responsible for what you say, not how people interpret it. Explaining your reasons helps to keep the "no" professional; the sandwich technique wraps the refusal between two positive statements, making it more palatable. You can also provide alternatives and suggest other resources or colleagues who can help.

No and leadership

In order to grow in their roles, workers should be intellectually stimulated and pushed to their limits, and that means there should be a space for mistakes. An essential part of leadership is guiding colleagues and helping with execution so they can progress. In a leadership role, saying "no" may be less emotionally fraught, but there are still good and less good ways to do it.

Listen first, then ask questions. When colleagues present an idea, give them time to get to the end, even if it's clear that this is not going to fly. This will show that you value them and the time they put into their idea. Questions not only show that you are paying attention to what your teams are saying, but they might also prompt new and better thinking.

Explain. Tell your employee why you are saying no. This will not only help them understand but give them the confidence to approach you with other ideas in the future.

End your no with an encouragement. This is particularly helpful when the idea is good or contains good thinking. If we approach “no” as a search for the "yes ecosystem," then it's healthy. Compliment your team members and thank them.

Leave the door open. There’s a temptation when saying "no" to pull back with a "maybe," and then leave the issue hanging and hope that the requester will give up, self-censor, or get the hint that you’re not that keen. This should be avoided at all costs. But there’s another danger, which is the infinite no. Categorical and inflexible refusals destroy creativity and the opportunity for dialogue. If possible, add to the "no" an offer to review the request in the future and make the point that some of the best ideas reveal themselves over time and may need to gestate for a while. Refusals to take on extra work can similarly be handled with statements like, "I’d love to take this on, but right now, I’ve got to manage my workload carefully. Could we review in a week or two if you still need help?"

When done well, a refusal can be a deeply creative and positive contribution to the working life of your colleagues and teams, and a thoughtful “no” is often a more valuable response than a “yes,” whose sole aim is to please. Saying no also shows your colleagues that you understand and respect the professional observation of boundaries, and it shows you have weighed and considered their proposal. In an unexpected way, this can make a connection that will, in time, be fruitful and make the “no” just one among a number of responses that build a successful rapport and a creative dialogue.

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Originally published: 7 October 2024